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Coming Out to Your Spouse – My Worst Gay Moment

written by Dr. Brand Doubell January 29, 2021
Coming Out to Your Spouse - My Worst Gay Moment

This might be the most difficult deed you will ever have to do in your life. I know it was definitely my worst gay moment. Maybe I should rather say that the few weeks before I took this step was the worst gay moment of my life. Like every other difficult decision in life, the fear before you decide is worse than the actual decision. I think it might have been easier if I did not love my wife, but in my case I loved her with all my heart – I still do.

So how do you explain that you love someone and yet you cannot stay married to him or her? It is impossible to give a singular answer to this question because it would be different in each and every specific case. In the first place, we all have different personalities; therefore, no two relationships are ever the same. For that reason, I will only be able to discuss a few generalities regarding your potentially worst gay moment.

1. I suggest that you seek professional help before you talk to your spouse. In most cases you both are going to need sound advice for your specific situation. A few things could complicate the situation – whether your partner is prone to get depressed, aggressive, or suicidal are a few factors that come to mind. Whether you have kids, how you are going to handle the kids, and whether your partner will use the kids in an endless battle can also complicate things a lot.

2. We all get married because we believe that it will last forever. Therefore, telling your spouse that it isn’t going to happen is devastating for both of you. Your timing should be right and you should choose your words very carefully, but remember that the best of timing and the most carefully chosen words are not going to make it less of a blow. It will be very painful.

3. You have to explain that this isn’t your partner’s fault. It isn’t something he or she did wrong, and unfortunately there isn’t anything he or she can do to make it better.

4. Remember that it isn’t your fault either. You did not choose to be gay. The only thing you could be guilty of – to a certain extent – is if you knew you were gay before you got married. But like most who find themselves in this situation, you probably believed your sexual orientation would change over time.

5. You might like to try to explain that sexual orientation isn’t something that you can change, that it is something you are born with, but in my experience rational explanations are not what your partner needs at that moment. Your spouse will be very emotional and you will have to stick to emotions.

6. Try to imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Think back to your own failed relationships in your past and you will realise how painful it is. Your spouse will need all the comfort he or she can get, and you are telling them that you are not going to be there to give it.

7. If you love your partner, you will want to postpone this conversation as far as possible. However, you are not doing him or her any favors by waiting. Your partner deserves another chance to be happy with someone, and postponing the difficult conversation just makes that chance slimmer.

8. There is only one thing worse than an unhappy marriage, and that is a divorce. Many people postpone a divorce for exactly that reason. Yet the fact is that the pain of a divorce gets better in time, while an unhappy marriage is forever. Don’t waste time by thinking that the problem will go away, because it won’t. Take the step and get it over with – you will do both of you a favor.

9. If you decide to part ways, as you should, your life will change considerably. There will be many difficulties to overcome, but it will also be a time for exceptional growth and development within you.

10. In time, you will look back on this point in your life and you will realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to you and your heterosexual partner. Staying in the closet, however, is the worst thing you can do to him/her or yourself. Everybody deserves a real loving relationship built on the truth.

This isn’t going to be easy, but you have to do it for your own sake and for the sake of your spouse. Your worst gay moment will eventually be better for everyone.

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