Listen, I never say never. What can I say? I’m an optimistic person by nature. But, I’m also a psychotherapist who looks at patterns and underlying issues that often reflect and make up our reality. So, it’s time we get real about commitment: Honestly, they’re never going to commit to you.
Let’s say you’ve been dating this guy or gal for an extended period of time and you want commitment. Let’s also say he or she is not giving it to you. All I’m here to tell you is that you’re probably not going to get that commitment, at least until you make some internal changes.
For starters, don’t make it personal. There’s a strong chance that what commitment means for them is different from what it means for you. There are likely underlying fears at play that are pushing them toward avoidance.
I hate to use the cliche, but it’s not you – it’s probably them. And if you’ve been together for a while, let’s say three to four years, with no real promise of further commitment… it’s time to get real and honest with yourself.
Step one was to stop making it personal. It’s their issue, not yours. So stop making it about you. Once you do that, you also must stop focusing and fixating on them. Let’s instead focus on you for a second. What do you want? What are you hearing the other person say? What actions are showing up? And are you building resentment inside because you want this more than they ever will? Be honest.
People show you who they are. If he is giving you crumbs and showing up when it’s convenient for him, he’s not misleading you.
What’s more important than him or her is knowing your worth. It’s knowing in your heart of hearts that you deserve to have love and to be loved as much as another person deserves to receive the incredible love you have to give. If you don’t believe that to be true, let’s start to shift that core belief right now. Let’s focus first on your own beliefs and not on how they are showing up.
Ways You Can Shift Your Negative Core Beliefs
- Every day, practice by telling yourself how deserving you are. Remind yourself that it’s possible to find love that shows up the way you show up and need it. Maybe you do this while meditating or praying in the morning, or perhaps while getting ready for work. It doesn’t matter when or how you do it, just that you do it.
- Show up for yourself in the most loving way possible by honoring what you deeply need, and don’t settle for anything or anyone that doesn’t align with that need.
- Don’t try to change them. That’s not your purpose.
- Continue being honest with them and with yourself.
By practicing the above and shifting your core beliefs, the reality of the situation will start to unfold in a way that is very clear for you. It might be hard, but it’s crucial to focus your energy back on yourself. Let go of this false, self-made idea of what this other person could be, and get clear on what you need and how worthy you are of having it.
Don’t fall in love with potential. Fall in love with authenticity.
And, remember, you don’t ever need to convince someone to love you. If you believe these things and honor yourself in a deep way, you will be rewarded by receiving the reflection of that love and honor in another. Once you truly believe in your own worth, you will attract what you seek.
Relationships are simply mirrors of our own internal world. Do you like what you see?
Jessica Baum is a licensed and experienced relationship therapist in Palm Beach County, specializing in codependency and love addiction. To learn more about love addiction or to book an appointment, please feel free to call her at 1-800-274-8106.