There was a time when I was in my first marriage when I gave up on something important to me. We had been married around seven years when I wanted to feel more of a connection with my husband. I wanted a closer relationship that included affection. I began asking for it, and he tried to oblige, but this was not something that came naturally for my husband. He had come from a long line of good but unaffectionate, men.
Oh, you weak, beautiful people who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you – gently, with love, and hand your life back to you. — Tennessee Williams
Giving Up Your Desires
Eventually, I got tired of asking. I got tired of being disappointed. So I convinced myself that he had enough other good qualities and that affection and connection just weren’t in the cards for our relationship.
I still remember the day when I gave up on ever having affection and connection in my marriage. But I never told him that.
And now, in hindsight, I can see how that was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
You see, it is when we give up the desires of our hearts that our marriages hit a quiet but dangerous place. We deny and suppress those desires within us in order to keep the peace.
We tell ourselves that there are other great qualities and that should be enough.
But those longings don’t go away.
If anything, the quiet whispers of our hearts get louder and louder until they’re eventually screaming at you.
If you want to know where your marriage might be vulnerable, just ask yourself, What need or desire have I given up on ever getting in the relationship?
Then go ask your partner, what desire or need has he or she given up on ever having in the relationship?
This will guide you to an important place that is probably begging for some love and focused attention right now.