Home Pride LifeLGBT Life Partner Relationship When You Want More Gay Sex Than He Does: Problem-solving

When You Want More Gay Sex Than He Does: Problem-solving

written by Adam Blum October 30, 2020
When You Want More Gay Sex Than He Does

In a long-term relationship, it’s likely that one of you will want sex more frequently than the other. This can create uncomfortable conflicts. Here are some ideas that can help you manage your differences.

1. Assume Your Partner will be Hurt When You Turn Down Sex

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say no to your partner, but it does mean you should understand that your “no” is likely to have an emotional impact.

At some level, perhaps at an unconscious level, your partner will feel hurt and may spin into one of these common negative thoughts:

  • “Maybe he doesn’t really love me.”
  • “I’m not sexy.”
  • “He’s tired of me.”

Intellectually, your partner probably knows that you love him or her and that you still find them sexy. But emotionally it is a different story. In relationships, we can easily go into a place of feeling rejected and not good enough. It’s what we do as humans.

It will help if you say no to your partner with some sensitivity. That means a gentle tone, with an explanation of why you think you aren’t in the mood, and with some verbal reassurance that you still find them adorable.

Sometimes it is hard to do this with thoughtfulness because your own guilt gets in the way. If you decline your partner’s sexual invitation, you might find yourself spinning in these negative thoughts:

  • “If I were a better partner I’d give her more sex.”
  • “I’m bad at sex.”
  •  “I’m always letting him down.”

Check yourself for these feelings. They may be impacting the tone you use when you say “not now.” Guilt gets in the way of kind communication. It doesn’t help you, and it doesn’t help your partner.

When you soften your own feelings of guilt, you become a nicer person.

2.  Talk About Sex

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know that the bottom line in improving relationships is learning how to talk about the tough stuff in a way that makes you feel closer to each other at the end of the conversation.

Good sex and good relationships get better when we learn to talk about them.

Sex is hard to talk about. But it can be a learned skill.

Check out these blog posts to learn more about better communication with your loved one:

3.  Get Creative

After both of your feelings have been heard and validated it’s time to move to creative problem-solving. If you go directly to problem-solving, it won’t work. You’ve got to first do the work of real listening and emotional attunement. Once that happens, problem solving gets easy — and maybe even fun.

For example:

Can you redefine sex?

Many couples assume that sex requires some kind of body part insertion. That can take a lot of energy. Why can’t sex be watching a partner masturbate? Or helping him or her masturbate? How about easy-going phone sex?

Can you schedule sex?

Sometimes knowing that sex will happen at a certain time can give a partner time to get ready and in the mood. Perhaps one of you will look at porn ahead of time, to prime the sexual pump.

Can you masturbate up a storm?

Does the partner with the higher sex drive have the freedom and time to really get into masturbation? Do they have permission to make it great rather than just a 5-minute secret quickie? If not, why not? Does guilt arise? If so, then it is time to learn how to talk to each other about tender emotions.

Do you know your partner’s on-ramp to sex?

You and your partner may need different actions in order to get into the mood for sex. Some people may need to hear words of affection in order to feel sexy. Others may need a romantic back rub. Others may want nasty talk. If you don’t know your partner’s on-ramp, then ask them.

Finally, I’ll let you in on a secret that most LGBTQ couples’ counselors know. Sometimes partners get turned off thinking that their (usually male) partner just wants physical release in sex, rather than connection. In LGBTQ couples counseling, we often find that men are also looking for closeness (as well as validation about their desirability and worth) through sex. They may not state this at first, or even realize they feel this way. The culture has told them they have to be unemotional and tough in order to be a man, and as a result, they are starved for touch, connection, and reassurance.

Men talk a lot about being horny, but maybe in reality it’s more complicated, and a lot more intimate, than it appears.

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