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This Could be the Biggest Threat to Your Relationship

written by Linda & Charlie Bloom January 8, 2021
This Could be the Biggest Threat to Your Relationship

It’s often referred to as “the invisible addiction” because it flies under the radar. Unlike alcoholism, drug addiction, or gambling, this addiction is not only almost impossible for an outsider to recognize, but it’s viewed by most of the population as being valuable, even worthy of admiration. And it’s rewarded with praise, money, and a variety of other benefits. There’s only one problem with it: it’s a killer. It’s been known to destroy health (physical and mental), well-being, pleasure, and relationships. It’s a four-letter word that rhymes with jerk, and starts with “w” and could be the biggest threat to your relationship.

The term “workaholic” refers to the tendency to be obsessed with or over-concerned about work to the degree that one invests so much time and effort working and/or thinking and talking about work that other important areas of life (like relationships) are put on a lower rung on the priority ladder and are seriously neglected or impaired.

Like food addiction, workaholism isn’t something that we can just quit cold turkey or even gradually. Meeting our material and physical needs depends upon our ability to generate income, and for most of us, that involves work. Although doing so isn’t easy, it is possible to quit drinking or quit taking drugs. We can’t, however, quit working; that is unless we are independently wealthy, which most of us are not. And even if we are, work provides us with more than money. For most of us, it gives our lives a sense of meaning, purpose and usefulness that enhances our self-esteem and feelings of well-being. Having meaningful work is one of the best ways to diminish feelings of depression and minimize the likelihood of getting the blues in the future.

When too large a portion of our motivation to work is driven by a desire to fill psychological needs, we can become blind to the degree to which we may be compromising or diminishing our overall quality of life in order to meet deeper emotional needs. One of our life domains that is more geared to the fulfillment of these needs is, you guessed it, relationships. Unfortunately, when much of our time and energy is consumed by work, relationships often tend to be neglected; consequently, we lose access to this very vital source of fulfillment. It’s ironic that in opting to overly invest in work, we lose touch with something potentially far more enriching – this is a threat to your relationship.

It is ironic, but not surprising, since it’s human nature to choose commitments that we feel more skilled in over those in which we feel ourselves to be less competent. Like many men, in my younger days, I was preoccupied with work, partly because with three young kids, I felt obligated to stay on track in regard to my career in order to keep the wolf away from the door. I gave an increasing percentage of my time and energy to work, not just because I wanted to keep bringing home the bacon – or in our case, the tofu (it was the 80’s) – but because work was something that I felt competent in, could do pretty well, and got a lot of satisfaction from. Parenting and husbanding, on the other hand, was far less fulfilling, kind of boring, and something that I felt myself to be inept at, so I opted to have my contribution to the family take the form of a paycheck, rather than more of my presence.

This decision led to predictable results: unhappy marital partner (Linda), unhappy kids, and unhappy self, since it’s hard to be happy when those whom you love aren’t. It also left me with a hard-core work addiction. As it turned out, I did go cold turkey, and fortunately, Linda was willing and able to trade roles and responsibilities with me while I got to find out firsthand what the saying “a woman’s (parent’s) work is never done” really means.

I got to see what I had been avoiding by feeding this very dysfunctional habit, and in finally getting free, I got to really connect on a deep level with Linda, the kids, and myself. I also got to experience and appreciate what is involved in being a full-time child caregiver. I saw that work, for me anyway, was a vacation by comparison. I quickly got over my belief that the unpaid job of a homemaker was a hell of a lot easier and less demanding than the paid job that I had had outside of the home. Also, on the plus side, I got to see how in being home and spending more time with the kids I found a different, and in many ways more satisfying, kind of fulfillment than the short-term bursts of ego-pleasure that I had received from my paid job.

Leaving a job or trading roles isn’t an option for most of us these days. We were a one-income family when I quit work and became a full-time householder for a year. That year was 1987, and things were different thirty years ago. These days, two-income couples are the norm, and most families can’t get by with just one. Consequently, the pressure to work hard and demonstrate one’s productivity and indispensability is strong. Perhaps that is one of the factors that puts America at the bottom of the list of countries that require companies to provide paid vacations, which includes every developed nation except for the USA.

While 75% of American employees do receive some paid vacation time, they use only 51% of what is available, a smaller percentage than any other developed country. The European Union requires all countries to provide a minimum of 20 paid vacation days annually, and some provide much more. France and Finland require at least 30. The average amount of vacation days received by Americans annually is 10. Notably, according to a study conducted by the Families and Work Institute: “Having paid vacation time bodes well for personal health and well-being as well as job satisfaction and intent to stay in one’s job.”

So why are those of us who are getting paid vacations using just half of our allotted time? Good question. I’d love to answer it, but I just don’t have the time…. Gotta get back to work. See you later. Maybe.

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