Home Relationship With Your Life PartnerEmotional Intimacy Finding the Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

Finding the Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

written by Laura Dabney, M.D. November 17, 2020
Sexless Marriage

If you are hurting from a sexless marriage, it’s important to find the cause. What is the hidden drain on your sex life? A lot of people come to me complaining about their sex life being flat, but they are surprised by the reasons.

Four Reasons for a Lack of Physical Intimacy in Marriage


There are a lot of people who feel their bodies aren’t perfect. This prevents them from undressing in front of their significant other. Or, they don’t want the light on during sex. Or, maybe they want to get it over quickly.

This is not helping your relationship! What this behavior does is tell your partner you’re never going to share yourself with him or her until you are perfect. What your partner takes from that is no one is perfect, so it’s going to be never. This is a bad message to send. Sending this message is a major turn off, and it’s an obstacle that leaves your partner sexless and out in the cold.

Try this! Reconsider being shy in front of your partner, and share as much of yourself as you can. This is what intimacy is.

If you have a problem with letting your shyness go and sharing more of you with your partner, that is a good time to visit a therapist for help.


Boldness is like shyness but on the other end of the spectrum, this is also an intimacy drainer. I always say, there is nothing wrong with trying something new if you’re a consenting adult.

If you are plowing ahead by yourself, you’re leaving your partner out. This is invasive and can be scary for people.

Try this! Change your approach. Remember, it may not be your idea, it might be your approach. Trying something new and being bold in your sex life is a discussion to have with your partner.


A lot of people get hung up on spontaneous sex. There is nothing wrong with spontaneous sex, but if you don’t have boundaries that can be very unnerving or anxiety-provoking for a lot of people, including your partner.

Especially if there are children in the house. Not having a boundary causes people to be anxious about where the kids are, what they’re doing, are they hearing you, or are they going to come in?

Try this! Create a set time for intimacy. This may not sound spontaneous, but if it’s a set time that is protected, spontaneity can happen during that protected time.

For example, if you have a babysitter, he or she can take the kids out to Chuck E. Cheese for a couple of hours every Saturday night, you’ll have that time as a protected time to be more open, spontaneous, and free. Plus, you’ll have that time to look forward to.

Serious Sex or Mechanical Sex

Don’t take it too seriously! Some people get a little too serious about whether they have had sex or not. They become a Debbie Downer about it and point out that they have a relationship without sex and how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. They start thinking their partner doesn’t love them anymore or that the relationship is a sexless disaster.

It’s important to see these patterns and it’s important to recognize there might be a problem. But if you can’t end the “my relationship is over” disposition then that is going to be a real turn off to your partner. Not only are they going to feel like they have to solve your sexless life problem, but they are also going to feel like they have to solve your whole relationship problem now. Or now they have to convince you that it’s not the issue.

Remember! There are a lot of reasons why people back away from sex or are sexless. It is not always because they are not attracted to you or that there is something extremely wrong with the relationship.

Mechanical Sex

People get into a mechanical way of doing sex. That is a huge turn off for your partner. People think it doesn’t matter because their partner just wants sex, but it does matter.

Being involved is being open, and being mechanical is being closed off.

Try this! If you find yourself being mechanical and going through the motions, try to add some play or fun to it. Making this change will make a huge difference in how you come across to your partner.

These hidden blocks can be what’s causing you to have a marriage or relationship without sex or the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship. Overcoming these blocks will help improve your sex life.

If you haven’t thought about these blocks before, use this article as a guide to find the hidden block in your relationship and give it a try!


Watch a video on this topic here.

If you have any questions or would like help with how to break up with someone you love with, call, or text anytime at 757-340-8800 or go to www.drldabney.com.

Dr. Laura Dabney

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