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Love and Sex, Marriage and Monotony

written by Dr. Steven Cangiano September 1, 2018
Romantic, Love and Sex, Marriage and Monotony

Can you passionately desire something you already have? This question goes directly to the heart of a spiritual relationship. Are love, passion, marriage and monogamy sustainable?  This question goes directly to the heart of an evolved relationship.  Leading self-help authors Napoleon Hill and Neale Donald Walsch agree: sex is the creative energy of life. Hill refers to it as “sex transmutation,” and Walsch refers to it as “synergistic-energy-exchange.” Sex, unlike any other activity, makes us feel alive and connects us to another.

The passion and drive for sex dwindle in most relationships. It is a challenge to consistently desire something you already have. A priority in all marriages should be to fulfill two fundamental, yet paradoxical needs at the same time. These needs are the deep desire for consistency (dependability and predictability) and the deep desire for variety (fun, adventure, and excitement). The following offers multiple insights into how to resolve the inherent potential for conflict in all relationships.

The Consistency-Variety Paradox

Human beings have opposite needs that exist simultaneously. We crave consistency; we desire a reliable partner, someone that is there through all of life’s ups and downs–that one person who is a stable center in an uncertain, unstable world. We also crave variety. Without variety, life becomes dull and boring. We love the fun and excitement of the unknown. Too much consistency bores us, yet too much variety leaves us feeling unstable and insecure. So how do we resolve this paradox?

Resolving this paradox will affect your life and relationships dramatically. Knowing that it exists is the first and most important step. Taking an inventory of your consistency-variety needs is the next. Are you easily bored with food, relationships, and work? Or do you thrive on the consistency of the same thing day in and day out? Are you the type to try a different restaurant every night, or are you at the same place every Wednesday and Saturday? It is important to take inventory of where you crave consistency, versus the where you crave variety. To explore this paradox in your relationships, suspend your preconceived notions about sex, marriage, passion, eroticism and monogamy. Having an open mind is key.

Consistency and Variety in Your Relationship

Let’s proceed under the assumption that a relationship is ideal when it satisfies conflicting desires at the same time. Professional actors are an example of individuals who fulfill different needs simultaneously. When you see George Clooney or Julia Roberts in a movie, you fulfill your need for consistency. You know they will give an excellent performance. You feel as if you know them or even have a relationship with them. Your need for variety is also fulfilled because you see them as a different person every time; they portray a villain, hero, hooker, queen, alcoholic or a king. Variety and consistency – existing together is perfection. It is why actors get paid so much money. They move you emotionally with no intermediary and no physical product. When your paradoxical needs are met, it is ideal. Food is another great example. It provides the ultimate consistency and unlimited variety.  Unfortunately, these two worlds rarely align so neatly.

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