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Feel Like Life’s Unfair After Your Divorce?

Great, Nobody Cares

written by Martha Bodyfelt June 10, 2019
Feel Like Life’s Unfair After Your Divorce?

Divorce is completely unfair and can make you feel like life has screwed you over and nobody cares.

It’s up to you to move on.

Ah, if only moving on – especially after a divorce or break-up – were so easy.

There are so many obstacles that hold us back when recovering from a divorce, but perhaps the elephant in the room deals with the concept of what is right, what is fair, and what is owed to us.

That feeling of injustice takes hold of us and hardly lets go when we’re trying to recover. You know that feeling: the one where you feel like you’ve been screwed over during divorce.

Do any of the following sound like things you have said or thought?

It’s not fair that my ex has already moved on and I’m stuck here with nothing.

It’s not fair that they’re out having a great time while I’m here heartbroken.

It’s not fair that I’m now struggling to make ends meet, especially since I’m the one who sacrificed my career

Many of us have stewed in the injustice of it all, thinking that our ex should be punished for all the bad things he or she did. So, I am here to tell you something: Well, you’re right. It’s not fair. But now what?

Here’s where the fairness trap gets us. We see something about the divorce situation that is not fair. And then we choose to shape our lives and our outlook on that injustice, so much so, that we get to a point where we can’t even move on because all we’re doing is thinking about something that we cannot control.

You’re right.

You’re right that it’s not fair that your ex has moved on and you’re still feeling bad.

You’re right that it’s not fair that he has the beach house now while you’re now stressing about being able to retire on a limited income.

You’re right that you made a bunch of personal and professional sacrifices during the marriage and you’re not getting credit for them.

Nobody is denying that an injustice has been done to you. It sucks, and it’s not right. But grounding yourself in that unfairness and choosing to let it influence how you think about things will get you nowhere.

Think about it.

Focusing on the unfairness of your situation is like insisting on driving a car with a flat tire.

It’s not going to get you anywhere. You’ll continue damaging your car and putting yourself at risk by driving with a flat tire.

But there is actually something you can do about your situation.

Instead of being pissed off at the flat tire and thinking it’s unfair that the tire is flat, what do you do? You get the tire changed.

The same thing goes for letting go of the notion of fairness. Instead of dwelling on how unfair it is that your ex didn’t get punished for the crap he or she pulled, you do something about it. Because remaining pissed off and stewing in that injustice gets you nowhere. You put your emotional well-being and the next chapter of your life at risk by letting unfairness consume you.

There is always something you can do about it.

You need to throw out that flat tire that is unfairness and change it to something better. This is an easy step for overcoming that sense of unfairness so you can continue to make a better life for yourself as a divorcee.

Here’s the three-step hack for overcoming the unfairness:

Step 1

List the current events during the divorce or separation that you do not think are fair.

If you need some help, take a look at my own examples.

I had to share my savings when I worked my ass off to put most of the money into that account. We’d never have had as much in it had it not been for me.

It’s not fair that now I have to watch every nickel and dime on a fixed income.

Be honest and complete on this part – the more feelings of unfairness you harbor, the harder it is to move on. So list, list, list away!

Step 2

List what you can actually do about those feelings. As a gentle reminder, remember that you can’t “make” your ex do something or feel something. The healing comes from changing your own outlook.

The fact that I now have a reduced savings account is merely a fact. That’s all. Reduced savings is reduced savings. The situation being unfair is immaterial to how I can move on.

Watching my money is just a change in circumstance. Thinking it’s unfair and dwelling on that does not solve anything.

Step 3

Change the “unfair” into something actionable that will move you forward.

Instead of thinking about how unfair my new situation is, I am going to focus on ways I can save more money to rebuild my savings.

And rather than thinking how unfair it is that my ex and his new partner are having a great time, I am going to focus on how I am going to practice self-care and put myself first for a change.

Remember that letting go means making a concerted effort to change the current thought patterns that do not serve you. Although you are grappling with a perceived injustice in your life, you are not powerless. You have everything you need to overcome these thoughts of unfairness and become a stronger person.

So, how about you?

If you feel like you got screwed over during divorce, what steps are you taking to overcome that unfairness? Let me know by commenting. I love hearing from you!

Until next time, remember to take care of yourself! You deserve it.

For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by Surviving Your Split or drop Martha a line at [email protected].

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