I believe there’s a common perception that men are selfish when it comes to sex. That they only want to get themselves off; that they don’t really care about their partner’s satisfaction; that they’re generally uncaring and unfeeling.
Well, I’ve almost never found that to be true.
In my work as a sex researcher, I’ve surveyed over 3,000 men and women about sex. And in fact, I usually find the opposite: men love to get women off.
Here are just a few things men have said in my research:
- “Don’t get me wrong, I love sex but it’s not nearly as good if she doesn’t enjoy herself as much or more than me.”
- “My pleasure comes from her pleasure.”
- “I just love to see her lust taking her over, wanting more and more.”
- “[It] is a huge turn-on for me when my partner is pleased.”
- “A woman’s orgasm is a wonderful thing to witness.”
(I just love this about men, by the way. I love that so many of them are so into their partner’s pleasure. It makes me happy.)
Unfortunately, what I have also found in my research is a pretty dramatic discrepancy between how much men want to please women in bed vs. how often women are actually pleased.
It’s quite a gap.
In one particular survey, I asked 1,067 women about the men who were best in bed. When I asked them how many men were good in bed, about two-thirds of the women said 30% or less.
In fact, one-third of the women surveyed said that only 10% or less of the men they’d slept with were good in bed.
I believe this disparity stems from a number of issues, including that porn is the default way men learn about sex. I believe it also stems from the fact that it’s just really freaking hard to talk about sex.
I’m on a mission to make it easier for men to learn about how to please real women in bed.
Not only because it’s a lot more pleasurable for us women when that’s happening, but because I want men to get what they want. I want them to have lit-up, turned-on, radiant women in their lives. I want them to be able to sexually satisfy women such that women are begging them for sex.
I want both men and women to have thriving sex lives.
So I decided to cut straight to the end of the equation: I asked a whole bunch of women (1,067, to be exact) about the men who were best in bed. The ones whose sex moves made women scream with pleasure. The ones who made her beg to be f***ed. The ones the women talked about with their girlfriends at brunch the next day.
Look: the truth is, there has been a lot in our culture lately about what women don’t want from men (sex moves or otherwise), but not a lot about what we do. I want to help change that.
In that spirit, here are my top sex tips, straight from the research, for straight men interested in standing out from the pack:
1. Don’t just touch … tease.
Without a doubt, the most striking difference I consistently see in sex data from women versus men is this:
When I ask women and men about their top sex problem, women talk about pain. Men don’t.
Women repeatedly mention sex or sexual touch hurting. They’re not all talking about excruciating, horrific pain, but they almost all say things like “he’s too rough with his hands”; “rough touch”; “it’s painful when he tries to finger me” or my personal favorite, “jabbing me like he was stabbing me.”
(Note: not actually my favorite.)
Men don’t seem to experience this at all. They have sex problems, of course, but they almost never mention pain.
This is a big deal.
It means that in general, men use far more pressure with their hands, mouths, and other body parts than actually work for the female body. Sadly, this means that a lot of times, men aren’t just not turning women on — they’re hurting them (without meaning to).
This brings me to my first big tip in terms of sex moves:
When using your hands and mouth, touch her way, way lighter than you ever have before.
Stop using so much pressure. In fact, in the beginning, don’t use any pressure at all. No pressing down in any way. Instead, pretend your fingers are feathers playing over the surface of her body. Don’t push down at all. Don’t shove your fingers up anywhere. Don’t rub or jab or poke or prod or anything at all.
Just tease her.
According to research, it takes a man ~7 minutes to come to full physiological arousal. It takes a woman ~45 minutes.
That’s not to say you have to wait 45 minutes to have sex every time — it’s just to highlight that the reason women, in surveys, shout at me about foreplay is because our female bodies take longer to get aroused. I can’t tell you how often, when I survey women about what they want, they scream at me: “More foreplay!”
It’s a fact. Fortunately, it’s one you can use to your advantage, because if you put in the time teasing her, touching her extremely lightly at first, you will flip that sex move script so many men unwittingly follow, which is hurting women (or numbing us) with touch that’s too heavy.
Use feather-light touch on someone like me, and you’ll turn me on. Instead of me silently bracing for pain (which I’ve done many times with men), you’ll start to feel me press into you. Yes: if you touch a woman lightly for long enough, she’ll likely start to lean into you, to long for more.
2. Diversify your touch.
I’ve slept with a good number of men and so can tell you from experience: Do this and you will immediately stand out from the pack. The women in the research back me up.
Most men are all about three things: boobs, butt, and p***y. I often feel like when becoming sexual, it’s like the rest of me ceases to exist.
This is a huge missed opportunity, and here’s why: There are lots and lots of erogenous zones you wouldn’t even think about. When you confine yourself to those three specific areas, you throw out about 70% of sex moves that are possible — which means you throw out about 70% of her potential turn-on!
Yes, knowing where the clitoris is and how to handle it is crucial. Crucial. But you’ll jump from being just an OK lover to an outstanding one when you also include the rest of her body in your explorations.
Here are just a few erogenous zones to explore:
- Her back: One of the most sensual encounters I ever had was with a man who flipped me over onto my stomach and proceeded to place exquisitely light kisses (starting to get the idea with the light touch?) all over my back. He switched up where on my back he went, and everything was heightened because I couldn’t see what was going to happen next. By the end of this little back session, I was shivering with delight. Great sex move! Try it!
- The backs of her knees and inside crooks of her elbows: There’s really sensitive skin on the backs of your knees and the inside crooks of your elbows (on both you and her). Try a light touch all over her back and all the way down to her knees. If you’ve got her face up, try kissing all the way down her arms and lick lightly when you get to the inside crooks of her elbows. Treat it like an exploration. See how she responds.
- The feet: Reflexologists have known for centuries that there are a number of points on the feet associated with sexual arousal. Why do you think foot massages are so often mentioned in classic erotic scenarios? Especially if you’ve been together for a while, try a sensual foot massage as sex move foreplay. You may be surprised by how much it turns her on. Remember to go slowly. End with … surprise, surprise: feather-light touch (if she likes that).
- The inner thighs: One of the hottest encounters I ever had with an old boyfriend was when he built up going down on me until I was literally panting with anticipation. He placed feather-light kisses all over the area around my vulva, but nowhere actually on it. My knees, my waist, my tummy, my hips — he hit them all. The touch I remember the most, though, is the inner thighs. It was absurdly sensual to have such utter trust that he knew how to touch me (lightly) and to feel him getting closer, then backing off, getting closer, then backing off. Again, the tease brings her to her knees. It’s all about the tease!
3. Slow down. Breathe.
I know this might not sound like a sexy sex move. But it is so sexy.
What every woman truly really wants in bed is a man who is attuned to her. She wants him to be able to read her body, to respond to her. She wants him to listen to her — all of her, not just her words.
Again, a lot of the issues in sex in our culture stem from the fact that most men learn about sex — and mimic sex moves — from porn. And porn is inaccurate when it comes to showing what actually works for women.
It’s ok at showing what works for men (and just OK, I’d say — not all men get off on it by a long shot). But if you’re a man who’s genuinely interested in learning how to please women, you will be led astray by it.
For example, in porn, men rarely breathe deeply. They’re rarely fully present with the woman. A lot of times they’re not even paying attention to her reactions, reading or responding to her body.
For me, a man who breathes all the way down into his whole body, who is fully present, and who is listening to my body, the moment, and what is called for, is infinitely sexier than a perfectly-hung porn star with a six-pack.
The fact is, the list of sex moves and tips is endless (just the tip ;)). If you’re interested in a more in-depth dive into my research — including how to crack that female code that has always confused you — check out my free training for men:
And stay sexy, my friends.