In 2014, I underwent brain surgery to clip an aneurysm. I didn’t want this life event to define me. I didn’t want the fear that erupted to consume me. I wanted to move on, but it had defined me in more ways than I ever could’ve imagined. It defined the person I had become. In some ways for the better. I became more appreciative of life, of my health and for my family; I was more present in the moment; I exercised more and I stressed less; but the effects of the surgery itself had also come to define my new limitations and my initial struggle to accept and adapt my goals accordingly. And the headaches and fatigue were constant reminders of my aneurysm and surgery, and consequently, my mortality.
I wondered, ‘When am I going to stop thinking about this life event all the time?’ and the conclusion I came to was quite simply, ‘when I stopped feeling it’. But I may never stop feeling it. I may live with periodic fatigue and headaches forever, so I had to figure out, despite the constant physical reminders, how to let this thing go, and why it was so difficult for me to do so.