Do You Put in More Effort Than Others? Make Your Efforts Feel Effortless
I’ve lost count of the number of people who get in touch with me asking: “How can I make my partner appreciate me more and put as much effort into the relationship as much as I do?” or some version of this.
The short answer is you can’t. The only thing you can do is follow these steps:
- Be yourself. I mean really be exactly how you are with your best and closest friends.
- On the first day of every month, make the following lists:
- With whom do I laugh the most?
- With whom do I relax the most (and feel that I give very little effort to yet get so much from)?
If your partner is going up on these lists, great. But until he or she gets to number one and stays there for at least three years, then there is a very good chance that you are not a good match for long term cohabitation. Don’t force it, don’t blame yourself, and don’t blame your partner. Just accept that you are better off as friends. Don’t do what 90% of couples do (which is to persevere regardless believing that you need to “work at it,” or that “love will grow later,” or say, “this is just the way it is,” or be scared that the clock is ticking – or any of those ridiculous sticks we beat ourselves with when things don’t go well).