Girl, if he says this—RUN!
You can learn a lot about a man by reading between the lines of his online dating email.
Pay attention to his tone. Is his script negative and complaining? It’s a sign he’s jaded, he has anger issues with his ex or he just plain does not respect women. Does he try too hard to impress you? If so, he has an ulterior motive; he’s a player, a scammer or serial dater. Does he boast and brag? It’s a sign of insecurity or a red flag of a self-absorbed narcissist. Either way, you need pass on him. Is he vague about who he is and his past? He’s hiding something, maybe a wife or girlfriend, financial problems or a million other online dating personal problems.
Bottom-line, if a man’s message pings your gut, it’s your intuition trying to warn you: This guy may be bad news.
That being said, there are newly divorced and widowed quality men on dating sites who are genuinely looking for a woman with whom to share their lives. They haven’t dated in decades and they may come off as goofy and clumsy in their emails and text messages. Give these guys a chance to prove their salt before passing judgment.
Here are some of my recent messages from men who are insincere, dishonest and predatory (and how I responded). Note: misspellings, typos, bad punctuation and heinous grammar belong to the original writer.
FitforFun&Sun emailed me saying, “I loved your profile. I would love to get to know you better.”
He was handsome enough and his bio was seemingly intelligent. I emailed him back and he never asked to meet me. He instead generated a series of conversational messages. Ladies, unless you want a pen-pal, tell the man who wastes your time with endless emails, thanks but no thanks.
StartingOver messaged me a couple of two-liners, asking me did I like to cook and what were my favorites things to cook and then he invited himself over to my house for a home-cooked meal.
“I would like to try your cooking, it is probably better [than taking me to a restaurant!], I can bring a favorite beverage of yours if you like.”
Seriously! I Replied: “FYI: it’s not polite or appropriate to ask yourself over for dinner on first meeting. Or even the second or third. Wait for a woman to invite you over. I wish you the best in your journey.”
LawyerMan and I met for drinks and we had a lovely time—and then I didn’t hear from him again. Weeks later, he sent me a text message:
“Hi, Would you like to get together again.”
“Sure,” I replied. “I thought we got along fabulous.” I didn’t hear back from him; four weeks later he sent me a Valentine’s greeting. I replied, “So glad to hear from you. I thought you had died and gone to heaven.”
He Replied, “No, not dead…” I think the lawyer truly liked me, but in all honesty, I believe he was intimated by my confidence. Next!
“Hi Beautiful, This is for your eyes only, I just wanted you to see what I look like in these new outfits. Let me know what you think after viewing the pics. Here is the link match.com gave me, so you can view the pics because the resolution is much for match.com. Let me know if it’s cool or not.”
I couldn’t resist; I clicked on the link (which was non-existent) and my Match.com account was hacked, sending the same bogus message to dozens of strange online men who in turn, emailed me (thinking I was sending them a flirtaeous, salicatious message) and their accounts were also hacked, generating the same message to others.
When online dating don’t click on links sent to you by strange men.
“Ya look like a frin dear!! I’m Swain Schaefer on Fussbook. I’ma kinda halfway retaired hslfway retarded..I ain’t gotta do nada I don;t wanna. I love musicians and can pick my work…n e e t. I’m an octopuss. I play sessions, play at ole folks homes (an ya tink WE’RE “LONG IN THE TOOTH”..REALLYGIVES MYLIFE WPURPOSE..yOU’LL HAFTA TAG ALONG/ Ooop, I volunteer an play gigz..Was touring w. Delbert McClinton..an the pointer Sistuhs till they couldn’t great..decades long gig.. SO…yew talk some how bout it? S w a I n”
For obvious reasons, I ignored his message and two weeks later he wrote: “U never got back in touch. Why??”
“So you have that creative thang going on? And you have defied the aging process! Where are you from originally? How have you evolved? Have you been in therapy? Too many questions from a complete and total stranger? Brad”
Yes, Brad, too many online dating questions.
TigerTerry123 showed sincere interest in me, and after a couple of lively back-and-forth emails, he invited me to meet him for a happy hour cocktail. We set a time and place and he emailed,
“See you there Nancy! Bring that smile, love it!!!”
An hour before our evening meeting, he emailed, “Nancy, I need to pass this evening. Can you do Friday or Saturday?” Following with, “Just leaving the office. Hope you aren’t angry. Really do want to meet you.” His last-minute cancellation was rude and unacceptable. I emailed him,
“Tom. No. Not angry. But I turned down an invitation to meet you and cancelling an hour prior to our date was inconvenient. Nancy.”
He apologized and ask to meet me the following week, saying, “Can‘t wait. Ok, I will be there. I promise!!!” The day of our meeting he emailed me, “I apologize, I am not going to be able to make it this evening.”
I emailed him, “Good luck on your journey.”
The Con Artist:
Con artists want you to immediately go to IM (instant messaging) and get your personal email and phone number. They want to obtain personal information about you quickly, so they adapt the conversation to meet your needs, tug at your heart and gain control of you.
Barry emailed, “Your profile popped up on the last day of my subscription. great pics your a very beautiful lady. I decided to send you this short message. I’m am handsome, tall, a gentleman, financially secure, I’ve lived all over the world. I would love get to know you more and better but I am not renewing my subscription. If you don’t mind Here is my ID on Yahoo IM ( barrycares2016 ) feel free to mail me on firstname.lastname@example.org. I will waiting to hear back from you. Have a great day! Barry”
Donald wrote, “Hello, I hope this email finds you in good health. I was online today and about closing my account since I already got a life partner here on match dating, that was when my cousin came across your profile as he was actually standing behind me, he’s been all over me about getting in touch with you. He said you seems like a woman he will like to know better. He lives in your area and he is only here for a visit. You don’t need to write back here as I will be deactivating my account on the site. His direct email is jamesoswin247 at GMAIL C O M I hope you get in touch with him and I promise you won’t not regret anything. My warms regards…Donald”
These guys are romance artists looking for their next online dating victim.
The Anonymous Man:
Alphaman101 does not have a photo and he sends:
“Hi, you’re very pretty and I would like to get to know you better. Allen”
A man without a photo does not deserve a reply, but if you feel you must, you can reply, “I appreciate your message but I don’t give out my personal email to strangers or correspondence to people without photos.”
The Cheating Man:
Signs of married men and cheaters: They don’t post a photo, or they post a fake photo or the photo is clearly dated, dark or blurry (he doesn’t want anyone to recognize him). They are unwilling to provide additional photos, claiming they don’t have current photos.
They will message you on a dating site and when you click on the profile to check him out, he has already hidden his profile so no one can see him. They pursue women who live in another state.
He tells you he’s relocating to an area near you and that he’s getting a “jump-start” on his new social life. He’s plotting long-distance affairs to hide his infidelity.
RUTiredofFrogs sent this smokescreen:
“Hi, Hope this finds you doing well. Beautiful photo of you. I am sorry I do not have one and have not completed my profile. I decided not to because of my position in the bank. But would gladly email you one. If I may I will at least describe myself. My name is John. I have been in banking over 30 years. I am a single white male age 55. Never married, just never found the one and as you get older that gets harder to find. Brown hair, with some gray coming in. Blue / green eyes. Non-smoker. 6-00 tall, Firm ,tone, athletic, muscular body, muscular chest, ( . ) ( . ) big pecs lol. I enjoy swimming, working out, weights and water weights, snuggle, cuddle, massage, hottubs, readings, movies, history, museums, arts, music, weekend getaways, travel, sports, sun, water, I am attractive to older mature women, they are more stable, easy to talk to and know what they want. I am about hour from Louisville. Love coming over to the city, Hope to hear from you. Sincerely John xoxo”
These guys are not worth your time and energy for a reply.
Don posted his age as 65. Looking at his one bald headshot, he was pushing 80. His essay was 668 words without a paragraph break (gasp!). He tried desperately to convince me he was a wealthy, successful, influential man. (I have condensed his extremely verbose email.)
“I am a retired corporate executive and recent widower, financially independent, with residences in Nashville TN & Denver CO, who loves to visit the world’s great cities and enjoys concerts, art museums, movies, theater, fine restaurants, daily workouts and day hikes. Extremely family oriented with 3 successful children, all Ivy Leaguers with graduate degrees, who all unfortunately live on the West Coast, which is why I keep a place in Portland. I was very lucky from a financial viewpoint in my 35-year corporate life so I strongly believe in giving back now to charity and also to my children and needy relatives. I feel strongly that parents/grandparents, if at all financially possible, should pay for school tuition for their children/grandchildren and should be helped with their major medical expenses and even given help in purchasing their homes, etc. but like Warren Buffett, I believe that children/grandchildren should be given/inherit only enough money to be able to work at jobs at which they want to work and not so much money that they lose the motivation to work. I also believe in family vacations paid for by parents/grandparents. My family does annual winter vacations in Hawaii and these fond memories of family vacations have been shown by studies done by the Greater Good Science Center affiliated with the Psychology Department of Cal-Berkeley to create far more happiness than the accumulation of expensive cars and the like. Personally. I am a very young 65, indeed I am by far the oldest one in my social group (aged 45 to 53) due to not having children until my late 30s/early 40s. JOB UPDATE: After 5 yrs of full retirement, I just accepted a $1/year part-time job as Senior Advisor to my long-term boss/mentor (one of Nashville’s leading philanthropists).”
This guy’s profile reeks of insincerity, narcissism and online dating cock-and-bull stories.
Learn more about Online Dating Red Flags Of Players, Cheaters And Con-Artist