Everyone is looking for chemistry. I get so tired of telling people that you have to wait for chemistry to develop sometimes. You know, give it a chance to grow and at least agree to a second date.
People think they are supposed to have it – or not – on the first date. They think they know immediately whether or not there is chemistry.
Some people never give it a chance to develop, which is why they need a matchmaker to help them. They pass lots of good people up because they don’t realize they have met what they are looking for so many times but just didn’t realize it. They thought that the chemistry was missing.
You hear so many stories about how people who are hopelessly in love after 50 years looked across the room – and just knew that was he or she was “the one.” Their eyes locked, she was smolderingly sexy, and he looked exactly as she had always dreamed “the one” would look, and blah blah blah. I bet, more often than not, people scan the room and find some hot guy or girl smiling back, but it turns out not to be a spark.
Chemistry is overrated because everyone places too much emphasis on it too soon. You think it’s supposed to hit you like a ton of bricks and take your breath away. You expect chemistry to be what you see in the movies.
Really, this is more an attraction than anything else. I bet you there are plenty of people out there that locked eyes across a crowded room – and it never turned out to be more than a conversation, if that. But we only hear about the ones that did wind up in a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. Chemistry is important. You need it and must have it. But the older we get, the harder chemistry is to find because we are more closed off.
People tend to use the word chemistry as if it is interchangeable with attraction. But you can have a physical attraction and lose interest because you don’t like someone as a person. However, if you like someone, chemistry will follow.
Letting Chemistry Develop
You can develop chemistry and thus become attracted to someone you didn’t feel physically attracted to initially. You’ve heard the old saying about igniting some passion where there was none.
Now, the older we get, the more of a list we have, including all the negatives we don’t want. We are so closed off to chemistry and don’t even realize it. If the guy is bald, she has a few extra pounds, he doesn’t make a lot of money, or one of them has kids, we are out of there.
I say, if you want to find love, you have to give someone a chance and give chemistry a chance to work its magic.
Five Times We Need to Give Chemistry a Chance to Happen
1. When we think we know immediately whether or not we have chemistry.
Really, I had a guy tell me he knows in five seconds whether or not he has chemistry with someone. No, you don’t! You know whether or not you are physically attracted, maybe, which then interests you in knowing more.
2. Your date was shy and awkward.
Always give shy people a chance. It’s hard to see the real person and have a date that flows when someone is shy, but shy people can make the best romantic partners. Jerks smile and come across as witty and flirty. They have had lots of practice breaking hearts!
3. When we have a type.
Most people think they have a type. No, you don’t! You have a comfort zone. You have someone from your past that got away and you keep trying to cast someone new in that same role. Your heart starts thumping every time a guy reminds you of your old boyfriend, but he was abusive. This is how you develop bad patterns in dating. You know: different face but same story with all of your exes.
4. When we cross people off and close down because they don’t have qualities on our list.
Wrong! I always say toss that damn list. This is why you aren’t finding love or having chemistry. More often than not, this is why someone looks good on paper but it doesn’t work out. You aren’t shopping for pretty shoes; you are building a relationship.
5. Only have a so-so first date and didn’t see “fireworks.”
You aren’t always going to see fireworks immediately. Don’t look for immediate gratification. Have you heard of the slow burn? It takes time to ignite some passions, and you don’t know enough on a first date.
Susan Trombetti, Matchmaker and the CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking.